always.

28 Feb 2007

Struggle episode

Today was a blowing mind session for me. Well, i should have expected the episode coming. I was too confident that the stuff that i have prepared. I only prepared signalling (L4) & efficiency wage and wage compression (L8) for theory for section b. I was ascertain that based on the previous prelims that i have analysed, the trend was supposed to be like that. The theory ship capsized under the new wave of theory. Guess? it came out bidding, which i simply glanced over during this morning. Well done. To cut the story short, i analyzed the trend of the prelims and based on that, i scrutinized the study materials and memorized it very deadly, which i call si bei.

Very potent for failure. In the past, i never had this problem. I always hit on those questions. I can scrape by with that armour of knowledge. Well, i guess this time round, lady luck left me and my friends of knowlege were slayed real bad. None of them survived. When i opened the set of questions, i laughed out loudly in my heart.

WOw, this is my "lucky day". As i peered over to pokemon and RT, they seemed composed. I panicked. I realised that the things that i have prepared are pathetically, grossly insufficient and of no use. My pride faced a huge setback.
I told myself that no matter what, i must hit the target of 5 pages. Ya, in the end, i accomplish and exceeded my target, 8 pages. But never in my life, i feel so insulted and humiliated. My answers were like trash. I never be so critical of myself before. I compromised quantity over quality. At that moment, i was smiling at myself, smiling over the questions. This piece of solution is not worth to be graded. So pissed with myself. Wtf am i doing? wtf i have been studying?wtf man.

One lessson learnt. I cannot treat ME lightly at all. I must understand the topics, not just simply ploughing. That is "si bei" I really need to do something about it. This is the 1st and last time i will swear and be critical of myself in studies. For this coming prelims, i will make sure i cover at least 50% of materials, understanding it. I am not sure how am i going to do it, but i know when there is a will , there is a way. If i fail ( which is common) for the rest of subjects, at least i know that i have truly studied and really gave my best shot. Not this ME prelim, really empty shell. Sometimes, you need to fall real hard, to feel the pain.

I came out earliest.Pokemon and RT still trying to squeeze their brain juice. I called jy. I complained to her, joking to her that the ME power sia.But deep in my heart, i am bleeding. I stabbed myself and laughing over the phone. Funny huh.

It was raining cats and dogs for the whole day. I smsed kaiwen, but he didnt reply. So i called home, my mom picked up. I asked her to pick me up with an umbrella. She replied," hmm, you just get drenched lor, then come back home then bath lor" MY BLOOD BOILED. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MOM is that? i slammed (literally) the hp. Nearly wanted to throw the phone liao. I was not feeling well already.

This fuelled my anger to an new point. I sms pf and meilan about it. Pf asked me to cool down. I told myself. She really knows how to sabotage the strained relationship between me and her. Later she did call back and asked me what time i am reaching back. I think she wanted to fetch me. I screamed at her. "forget it , i rather get drenched." again , i slammed the phone. Pretty soon, she called again, compensating to me that she cooked soup for me. That is my mom.

I really feel that i am living in a fucking drama. SHe is really has lost her senses at certain times and on & off her mentally disturbed mind never fail to torture me. SHould i be mad? driven by her insanity. Everyone tells me that she is like that, i must accept my lot and fate. What kind of fucking theory is that? I believed destiny is controlled by your own hands. I am logical enough. I will avoid her at all costs.

There is a saying. Never marry someone who hates her/his mom. I will never marry liao. Coz you have guessed the answer. I cannot think that if ever my mother-in-law could be same state of my mom, even worse state. WHy get myself in that state? By 30 i will moved out, buy a flat. I rather slog after i graduate. Get many jobs, die from doing ot, rather than facing mom. Get the picture?

Before i reach home, i told god. " let this rain be the symbol of hate for my mom. If it is heavy downpour, i shall hate her even more" guess what? The rain stopped when i reach the bus stop. I looked at the sky. "god , you must be joking huh" i cannot face her immediately when i reach home. I will scream at her and start to bang stuff. I choose the smarter option.
i went over to my neighbour's house to play my little angel. How mad can you be with angel? When my anger subsided, i went back and glued myself over the tv for hours. i simply dont want to think of anything liao. really beat.
when i saw 3 sms from pokemon, i realised how time flies. i smsed her back. If she wants to know, she can read my blog. haha. IN the bus, i was making a serious conclusion. I will really die faster than my mom. At the rate , she is stepping on my toes. I will soon have a heart attack or in a fit of anger, dashed to the road and get myself killed. I really cant stand her. WHat is the fucking wrong with her? hai. i have no answer for that. Really.

Labels: grey weather


Oh hello. I am Xuefang and I am 25. Chocolates and coffee and novels are my favorite things. 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Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster,to give you a future and a hope.	28 Feb 2007 Struggle episode Today was a blowing mind session for me. Well, i should have expected the episode coming. I was too confident that the stuff that i have prepared. I only prepared signalling (L4) & efficiency wage and wage compression (L8) for theory for section b. I was ascertain that based on the previous prelims that i have analysed, the trend was supposed to be like that. The theory ship capsized under the new wave of theory. Guess? it came out bidding, which i simply glanced over during this morning. Well done. To cut the story short, i analyzed the trend of the prelims and based on that, i scrutinized the study materials and memorized it very deadly, which i call si bei. Very potent for failure. In the past, i never had this problem. I always hit on those questions. I can scrape by with that armour of knowledge. Well, i guess this time round, lady luck left me and my friends of knowlege were slayed real bad. None of them survived. When i opened the set of questions, i laughed out loudly in my heart. WOw, this is my "lucky day". As i peered over to pokemon and RT, they seemed composed. I panicked. I realised that the things that i have prepared are pathetically, grossly insufficient and of no use. My pride faced a huge setback. I told myself that no matter what, i must hit the target of 5 pages. Ya, in the end, i accomplish and exceeded my target, 8 pages. But never in my life, i feel so insulted and humiliated. My answers were like trash. I never be so critical of myself before. I compromised quantity over quality. At that moment, i was smiling at myself, smiling over the questions. This piece of solution is not worth to be graded. So pissed with myself. Wtf am i doing? wtf i have been studying?wtf man. One lessson learnt. I cannot treat ME lightly at all. I must understand the topics, not just simply ploughing. That is "si bei" I really need to do something about it. This is the 1st and last time i will swear and be critical of myself in studies. For this coming prelims, i will make sure i cover at least 50% of materials, understanding it. I am not sure how am i going to do it, but i know when there is a will , there is a way. If i fail ( which is common) for the rest of subjects, at least i know that i have truly studied and really gave my best shot. Not this ME prelim, really empty shell. Sometimes, you need to fall real hard, to feel the pain. I came out earliest.Pokemon and RT still trying to squeeze their brain juice. I called jy. I complained to her, joking to her that the ME power sia.But deep in my heart, i am bleeding. I stabbed myself and laughing over the phone. Funny huh. It was raining cats and dogs for the whole day. I smsed kaiwen, but he didnt reply. So i called home, my mom picked up. I asked her to pick me up with an umbrella. She replied," hmm, you just get drenched lor, then come back home then bath lor" MY BLOOD BOILED. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MOM is that? i slammed (literally) the hp. Nearly wanted to throw the phone liao. I was not feeling well already. This fuelled my anger to an new point. I sms pf and meilan about it. Pf asked me to cool down. I told myself. She really knows how to sabotage the strained relationship between me and her. Later she did call back and asked me what time i am reaching back. I think she wanted to fetch me. I screamed at her. "forget it , i rather get drenched." again , i slammed the phone. Pretty soon, she called again, compensating to me that she cooked soup for me. That is my mom. I really feel that i am living in a fucking drama. SHe is really has lost her senses at certain times and on & off her mentally disturbed mind never fail to torture me. SHould i be mad? driven by her insanity. Everyone tells me that she is like that, i must accept my lot and fate. What kind of fucking theory is that? I believed destiny is controlled by your own hands. I am logical enough. I will avoid her at all costs. There is a saying. Never marry someone who hates her/his mom. I will never marry liao. Coz you have guessed the answer. I cannot think that if ever my mother-in-law could be same state of my mom, even worse state. WHy get myself in that state? By 30 i will moved out, buy a flat. I rather slog after i graduate. Get many jobs, die from doing ot, rather than facing mom. Get the picture? Before i reach home, i told god. " let this rain be the symbol of hate for my mom. If it is heavy downpour, i shall hate her even more" guess what? The rain stopped when i reach the bus stop. I looked at the sky. "god , you must be joking huh" i cannot face her immediately when i reach home. I will scream at her and start to bang stuff. I choose the smarter option. i went over to my neighbour's house to play my little angel. How mad can you be with angel? When my anger subsided, i went back and glued myself over the tv for hours. i simply dont want to think of anything liao. really beat. when i saw 3 sms from pokemon, i realised how time flies. i smsed her back. If she wants to know, she can read my blog. haha. IN the bus, i was making a serious conclusion. I will really die faster than my mom. At the rate , she is stepping on my toes. I will soon have a heart attack or in a fit of anger, dashed to the road and get myself killed. I really cant stand her. WHat is the fucking wrong with her? hai. i have no answer for that. Really. Labels: grey weather 2/28/2007 05:32:00 am ·