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Bituwin - image

Jeremiah 29:11. Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster,to give you a future and a hope.

Burdened

I am under immense stress. I created it myself. After the prelims, my whole soul seems to be under a huge rock of stress. I realised that i was really "underprepared". My subconcious mind seems to remind me every moment that i have to work my ass off. But as this feeling haunts me, i cant really enjoy myself at the birthday party that my friends throw for me.

I really feel sick to the stomach. The "ghost" have added to the fuel. I am so upset when the environment is not conducive for me to study. I have to constantly be aware of cleaning up the house. She never fails to torture me. Yesterday i blew up at her. As usual. I took an hour to clean the kitchen, so spick and span. Why did i clean the kitchen? Simple. There were ants crawling along the sink. Simply swarming everywhere. Imagine that if i never lay a finger, the whole kitchen will be an army of ants.

I left a bowl of soup with corn on the living room table. She emptied the contents and poured it into a pot. I screamed at her. I have just cleaned the kitchen. I deliberately left the bowl untouched, why? I just have to clean that after that. She simply add more stuff for me to clean. I was so pissed that i kicked the laundry basket. She said that she thought that i didnt want to eat, so so she left in the pot. Logical to you all? Anger reach to such a boiling point, i typed in my handphone that i really want to "vanquish" her forever.

I really cannot pretent that she is not around. Why cant she be a normal person? Why everyone is siding her? WHy am i taking the brunt of everything? My brother can be "busy" working his AMYWAY stuff and playing his games. My dad can be " busy" with his work. The GhOST? she is " busy" with everything. Helping my brother to clinch sales, " busy" eating snake.

Then WHat about me? i just have to clear the mess? my studies are nothing is it? My brother flunked 3 subjects. DId my parents say anything? They just nag and yak. I am really trying my best to be a daughter of this sick family. The prejudiced. Everyone simply treat this home like a hotel. i Am just a maid or a servant keeping this home intact.

I am really weary. But i decided to clean my room and clothes. They can do whatever they want. I dont want to spoonfeed them. I simply make myself happy. I want to excel in this last finale. I am responsible for my own actions. I dont want them to spoil my mood and emotions. Be my guest, let an army of ants build their colony everywhere.

I really want to be happy. I dont want them to agitate me anymore. I am truly sick of writing such an entry. It is a neverending cycle. I get mad. I cry. I ignored them. Then i am back to clear up their shit. What am i to them? MARIA? DAMN.

Burdened.

3/15/2007 08:49:00 pm ·