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Bituwin - image

Jeremiah 29:11. Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster,to give you a future and a hope.

Need to stay numb

Just ended the phone conversation with hui. I have decided to trash things with her. Telling her what was on my mind. Thought that i have settled the very raw wound in my heart, another deep fresh cut came unexpectedly slashes at me.

While i was clearing the grievances to her, my parents were having a heated argument. Even she could hear it. IMagine what was going through my mind. Calmly, i smsed to my brother that our parents are cutting their throats. I continued to question her.

The sound gets louder, the intensity of argument intensifies. I hastily ended the phone conversation. " i am still not done with you yet. Let me settle my parents' stuff.I am mentally prepared that both of them may end up hacking each other. Most likely i have to attend both funerals." I went to the room and saw the ugly scene. My dad was screaming at my mom. It portrayed a scene where my dad seems to be bullying my mom, being the unreasonable one. He was curling his fists, shouting his thoughts out. My mom sobbing profusely.

I froze and watched in silence. I called for a timeout. I looked at my dad, " stop it. Dont say any more" He looks at me and briefly scolded her and went off. He re-tracked his steps for the car keys and chided her again. He knows that it hurts me to see such a scene.

I really wished that i was dead. Really. I dont have to face all these at all. I am gravely wounded. I couldnt breath at all. i cant sleep in peace at all. But the logical side of me tells me that i cant fall. The more the adverse the situation befalls on me, i have be strong. I have to. I dont know how. But i need to. Because that is their lives. My life is dictated by myself.

I smsed to my dad, " dad, i love you. Dont be angry any more." I never do that at all in my life, telling him how much i love him. So i took this opportunity and say what i feel.

My exams are really pressing my nerves to the maximum. I am really at my wits. The fear of ME which is dynamic that is so mind boggling, the mind exhausting of hrm that is so demanding, the fear of past soci haunts me in ot and the cf that seems so overwhelming to grasp. I am at my tetherends. I couldt eat well, like there is someone grabbing my stomach.

I am going under. Really going under. Falling forever. I never seem to get out of the vicious cycle. I have settled one , another catastrophe befalls on me. No one seems to hear my cry for help. So alone and alienated. I really have difficulty to breathe.

4/02/2007 08:31:00 am ·