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Oh hello. I am Xuefang and I am 25. Chocolates and coffee and novels are my favorite things.

You can mail me at:
zhuangxuefang@yahoo.com


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Bituwin - image

Jeremiah 29:11. Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster,to give you a future and a hope.

21 Jun 2007
A very critical and negative me

Ever since after my exams, i have been in this withdrawal symptom. Procrastinaing my resume, looking for jobs. When i "feel" like finding a job, i get pissed with myself. I have no career direction at all. I get very pissed and frustrated. All my frens advised me that to take things easy, coz the more tense i am, the more i cant see my career path at all.

I thought by going to gym will release all those negative energy. My body starts to break down. I began to fall ill repeatedly. Damn. I even forced myself to immerse in household chores coz i dont want to mope in the house. It will be worse. I began to have the question: "what if"

That is simply just lame. I am impatient type. I want everything to be under control. But it seems that the more i want to control, it gets out of control. Learning to let go. I have been pestering pokemon especially. I betcha she is throwing fits for hearing me out, vomiting out those incessant complaints. I am the type that as long i get it off my chest, everything will be passed. No matter how good or bad...

Maybe god want me to slow down, think carefully what path i really want to take. Savour each moment. After all, i will be working for the rest of my life. ISnt that so? HAha... It just dawned on me that, all my life, i have been trying so hard to be perfect in everything, expecting everyone to be as efficient as me. But things arent that way. But old habits never die, right?

I always feel like breaking down.

Feel out of place.

I feel like escaping.

No one seems to understand me how i feel.

To be left out.

Wishing to be somebody else.

Sick of everyone around telling me that it is ok.

But it is not alright.

It is like left out in the dark.

No one can save me.

Welcome to my world.

On the outside, i am cheerful , friendly, confident.

COnsider myslef Charismatic? CHarming?

Cracks out lame jokes, makes everyone laugh.

Able to empathise people, convey what they are feeling.

Console them with ease. Articulative?

Able to accomplish tasks that i have with my utmost effort.

But deep inside, i am insecure, moody, too sensitive

Grumpy to my family members

Always negative about matters

Critical of myself and others

Always think too much, end up worrying incessantly

Cast people in bad light if i am offended

Haa... there is always two side of a coin isnt that so?

There is only one colour in my life, grey.

Just that the shades would differ

Depends on the mood and events that i am facing

Usually it is a darker shade....